Watching this I realized that my sensibilities are far more European then North American. To me, the thought of playing Blood Bowl in a London pub over a pint of Spitfire is like heaven on earth.
Via this indispensable tool I discovered the finer points of Blood Bowl's Golden Rule: make all of you risk-free moves first and save your diciest gambits to the very end. Since you suffer a turnover every time you fail a die roll, it's wise to forego your most dangerous maneuvers until you've finished all of your no-risk actions (like standing up all of your knocked down players or moving free figures into your opponent's tackle zones).
After this handy little Java-based wonder gave me the fundamental rules epiphany that I needed, I finally broke down and purchased a copy of the Third Edition. This gave me an "official" Human and Orc team to assemble, paint and name. So, when Dean and Andrew decided to re-boot their Blood Bowl league and invited me to participate, I heartily accepted.
(That is, after we eliminated the painfully protracted Overtime Halves which often resulted in a random d6 die roll to decide the "winner" anyway)
They split their massive pool of teams into two separate divisions, the first of which would feature my Human team, "The Galadrian Guardians" (who I'd named in reference to my novel). Against my better judgement, I took Andrew and Dean's advice and didn't buy any Catchers nor did I invest in any Fan Factor. I did come out of the creation process with four stalwart and speedy Blitzers and no less then four (!) Re-Rolls.
Here are just a few members of this hallowed squad:
Collwyn of Cressida (Thrower)
Tyrian Silvershield (Blitzer)
Gailen Huntsman (Lineman)
And, no I haven't finished painting them, fuck you.
Now, just because I'd digested a few subtleties of game play, it certainly didn't make me an expert Blood Bowl player. Hell, it didn't even make me a competent Blood Bowl player. After all, you're only as good as your competition and since I'd only been playing with myself (*ahem*) I was still sucking harder then Kelis in any given yard.
This was clearly borne out in my inaugural match against Andrew's Necromantic "Living Dead" squad, who'd previously mauled my old Orc team in a 3 - 0 rout. First off, the suggested scheme of employing a Halfling Master Chef to gain a Re-Roll and deprive Andrew of one proved to be a bust. Soon I was also kicking myself for not increasing my initial Fan Factor after a brutal Pitch Invasion felled no less then seven (seven!) of my players!
I then decided to be my own worst enemy by injuring Star Thrower Collwyn of Cressida by pointlessly breaking him out of nigh-lethal level of coverage. He ended up with a Serious Concussion in the failed attempt, resulting in a permanent -1 penalty to his Armor Value. On the flip side, I failed to cause even a single Casualty to Andrew's team.
So I'd come back into Blood Bowl in the the exact manner that I first went out: with a heartbreaking loss. Despite the 1-0 defeat, I was still bolstered by the fact that Andrew had been limited to one point and all of the damage caused to my team I'd done to myself. Most importantly, I knew exactly where I'd fucked up and I was hoping to learn from my mistakes.
Honestly, if I played board games to win them, I'd never play board games. Ergo, my initial dissatisfaction RE: Blood Bowl didn't stem from losing but rather from not knowing why I was losing!
In my second match I faced Andrew's intimidating, now-veteran Orc Team: the "Regal Beatsticks". Thanks to the gross disparity on our Team Values I was able to hire Star Player Morg N' Thorg to shore up my line of scrimmage. Despite his considerable presence, I still failed to inflict any Casualties, while suffering one of my own. Nevertheless, I managed to limit Andrew to a 1-1 tie and avoid any major catastrophes.
I also secured a 1-1 draw in my rematch against the "Living Dead". Unfortunately this one came at a terrible price. After yet another Pitch Invasion felled four of my players, Andrew's Flesh Golem murdered Lineman Royden of Monkstown like a villager in a Frankenstein film. To make matters worse, another Lineman, Martin Aurelian, was stuck with a Niggling Injury after failing to navigate an innocuous-looking Dodge attempt.
Even with all the extra Inducement money my team was still getting beat up and pushed around. In order to combat this, I had to beef up my roster with some much-needed muscle. Unfortunately, with no wins thus far, I hadn't earned enough cash to buy myself an Ogre. Mercifully, Andrew's Halfling Team (the "Black Forest Hams", winner of the best Blood Bowl team name evar) were charitable enough to lend me 10,000 gold pieces in order to retain the services of an Ogre (whom I promptly dubbed "Torgg the Incontinent").
Fortified somewhat, I fared considerably better in my next tilt against the "Regal Beatsticks". With additional back up provided by Griff Oberwald and The Mighty Zug, I managed to eke out yet another tie, this time avoiding any lingering injuries.
And then, on May the 4'th I received the following update from Andrew:
"Here’s what’s left before the playoffs:
Galadrian
Guardians
|
vs
|
Aesgoth
Hammers
| ||
Black Forrest
Hams
|
vs
|
Kord's
Killers
| ||
Aesgoth
Hammers
|
vs
|
Galadrian
Guardians
| ||
Rivendell
Ruffians
|
vs
|
Black Forrest
Hams
| ||
Regal
Beatsticks
|
vs
|
Aesgoth
Hammers
|
The final five games have huge playoff implications. Dave, if you want to make it to the playoffs you need to win one and tie one against the Norse and have my Orcs lose their final game. If my Orcs win or tie then you’ll need to get two wins against the Hammers. If it doesn’t work out for Dave; my Orcs need a tie or better in the final game against the Norse to make it to the playoffs. If they fail to do that then the Necromantic team will make it. Currently the Hammers are a lock and I predict that the Necromantic team will join them."
Needless to say, I wanted nothing more then to take a hot, steamy dump right on top of Andrew's Big Moot™ sandwich but it certainly wouldn't be easy. This is what I was faced with (stats shown post-match):
And this was the approximate state of my "Galadrian Guardians":
Despite Andrew's dire prediction for my team, he did provide some sage advice RE: my Inducement cash...
If my estimate for the Norse is correct Dean will be sitting at 1,870. Dave sits at 1,210 giving him 660k to work with. Dave, here are some options:
1. Morg 450k + Helmut Wulf 110k + re-roll or apothecary or bribe 100k
2. Mighty Zug 260k + Griff Oberwald 320k + babe 50k
3. Master Chef 300k + Griff 320k
4. Morg 450k + Wizard 150k + babe 50k
5. Human Lineman mercenaries go for 80k. Fill your roster up with bodies. Add 50K per merc and you could add a skill like Wrestle to counter all of the Block.
I really like #4 but going with Helmut Wolf + some bribes will really clear the pitch. Unless Dean knocks him down and fouls the shit out of him as I would. Mercs would be great for the line of scrimmage.
Tough call, my friend.
In the end I decided to go with Option #1, I.E. pure brute force. On Wednesday May 30'th this titanic contest finally went down.
Galadrian Guardians (My Humans) vs. Aesgoth Hammers (Dean's Norse)
Weather
Nice: Perfect Blood Bowl weather.
Fan Factor Roll
Dean: 10 + 10 = 20
Me: 10 + 2 = 12
Dean got Fame +1. I scored $12,000 for my Gate Earnings and Dean snagged $20,000.
Kick/Receiving Roll
Dean rolled 7, I got 8. I chose to Kick to Dean.
FIRST HALF
Scatter
I make a fairly accurate kick, rolling a 6 for direction and a 1 for range.
Kick Off Table
On a roll of 8 ("Brilliant Coaching") Dean scored an extra Re-Roll.
Dean's Turn One
Thrower Baldur picked up the ball, ran back mid-field and then successfully hucked it to Birger the Blitzer. Erik the Wolf then rolled Double Skulls trying to knock Lineman "Mad" Martigan towards the sidelines but Dean used Boe's "Leader" ability to re-roll. Thanks to "Frenzy" Dean's Ulfwerner managed to push my Blitzer out of bounds, knocking him out in the process.
My Turn One
My Ogre managed to get to his feet. A Blitzer hit on a one-die Block, stunning his target. I successfully managed to Dodge one of my players out of a tight tackle zone. # 9 Martin Aurelian put down an opponent. Another Blitzer was successful in one-die Blocking his way out of crowd-surf territory.
Dean's Turn Two
Birger the Blitzer completed his fake-out by doubling back back across the line and trying to hand the ball off to Baldur. Unfortunately Dean rolled a "1" on both the initial attempt and on the Re-Roll, forcing a premature turnover. Andrew promptly re-christened Baldur "No-Hands McGee".
My Turn Two
After Andrew lamented that Morg was no-longer in position to "pounce like a sex panther" on the ball, I'm forced to spend a re-roll to clear a path to it. Unfortunately my subsequent pick-up attempt fails and the ball scatters.
Dean's Turn Three
Dean blitzes with an Ulfwerner, Pushing on the initial strike but clobbering on the second. His 4 Agility Thrower Balsar easily snapped up the ball. He successfully "Went For It" once, resulting in a Short and Accurate Pass which was easily reeled in by his 5-Agility Blitzer Boe. Unfortunately, in an honest effort to get out of Morg's range, Dean rolled a "1" on the initial throw and on the Re-Roll! Once again, the ball scattered!
My Turn Three
After passing his Bonehead check, Torgg shoved one of Dean's defenders out of the way. I broke a Blitzer out of a toxic tackle zone, successfully "Went For It" twice and then snatched up the ball up on my Re-Roll! Erik of Heldmark did his best to tie up an Ulfwerner. Blitzer Solonius Myrmidon knocked down Baldur the Thrower. This freed up Blitzer Tyrian Silvershield to provide additional coverage.
Dean's Turn Four
Dean was forced to burn yet another re-roll in order to salvage a failed Blitz. Things got even worse after a "Both Down" result saw Ulfwerner Ulric receiving a Smashed Collarbone (and my Gailen Huntsman only getting Stunned). Dean immediately chose to cut the maimed player.
My Turn Four
My 4-Strength Lineman Erik of Heldmark efficiently knocked out a rival. I also K.O.'ed Kjelli, Dean's Runner. One of my trapped-on-the-sidelines Blitzers sprung up and turned Lanni the Lineman into a Casualty. An advantageous two die block put another one of Dean's defenders out of the game!
Dean's Turn Five
Dean's downed Blitzer "Jumped Up" and knocked the ball free on a 2-die Blitz. He made the initial "Go For It" roll but tripped while Dodging into a Tackle Zone. The ball immediately went a-bouncin', settling in a space close to one of my Linemen.
My Turn Five
I knocked down one of Dean's minions on an assisted Blitz, giving my now-liberated Lineman a chance to pick up the ball (which he did after exhausting a Re-Roll). My Blitzer got Pushy on a one-die Block and my Ogre overcame his "Bone Head" roll to follow suit.
Dean's Turn Six
Assisted by Lanni's Guard ability, Dean knocked out one of my defenders. Dean's Blitzers attempted to shit-can their enemy counterparts, but two successive "Both Down" results meant that all four of them just ended up staring at each other. The Snow Troll passed his "Wild Animal" test to lay out one of my Blitzers.
My Turn Six
After setting Morg up with a Blitz, I was crushed by the resulting Push. Still clutching the ball, Slayde Darkwell ran six spaces towards the end zone. Blitzer Tyrian Silvershield tried to scout one space ahead, providing much-needed protection. Lineman Martin Aurelain kept pace with the pack, guarding Slayde's posterior. My Ogre managed to momentarily inconvenience Dean's Snow Troll. Erik of Heldmark went down on a poorly-guaged one-die Block attempt and was knocked out for the rest of the game!
Dean's Turn Seven
Sakarias the Snow Troll remained prone after failing his "Wild Animal" roll. After succeeding on his initial "Go For It" attempt, Dean whiffed a fairly elementary Dodge-out attempt.
My Turn Seven
A two-die Blitz knocked away Dean's sole opposition and Slayde Darkwell ran in for the Touchdown!
***
One of my knocked-out Blitzers came back into the game. Dean and Andrew graciously suggested that I pull my superfluous players back into my own zone to ensure that they couldn't be targeted. Only Morg and two of my organ-donor Lineman were left to guard the line of scrimmage!
Scatter
I made a fairly accurate kick, rolling a 3 for direction and a 2 for range. Thanks to the "Kick Return" skill, Dean's Thrower moved three spaces closer to the ball.
Kick Off Table
With a roll of 9, Dean earned a "Quick Snap" allowing all of his players to move one square!
***
Dean's Turn Eight
The Snow Troll failed his "Wild Animal" roll and stood around looking stupider then normal. Balsar the Thrower scooped up the ball, moved five spaces, made an Accurate Pass and hit for the completion! Erik the Wolf managed to put down my Ogre. Dean sicced the "Fend"-equipped Lineman Lars on Morg in an attempt to curtail his movement.
My Turn Eight
Despite a solid hit, Morg failed to injure his quarry. After passing a "Bone Head" roll and rushing into a Blitz, my Ogre could only score double Pushes, even after spending my final Re-Roll. Without any other players in range, my turn (and the first half) came to a close.
Half-Time Score
Galadrian Guardians 1 Aesgoth Hammers 0
SECOND HALF
Dean got a player back from the Knocked Out Box but my Blitzer wasn't so lucky. The much-anticipated Helmut Wolf finally took to the pitch on my behalf.
To give my Stunned players a chance to stand up, I grabbed the ball and retreated six spaces back towards my own End Zone. Torgg knocked down the Snow Troll but failed to injure him. Again. Helmut Wolf hacked into one of Dean's players with his chainsaw (!), knocking him out of the game and causing a permanent Niggling Injury!
Scatter
Using "Kick", Dean delivered a decent punt, rolling a 6 for direction and a 3 for range.
Kick Off Table
Dean rolled a 12, putting me on the business end of "Pitch Invasion" for the third time in five games! Only one of Dean's players got Stunned but I lost six!
My Turn One
To give my Stunned players a chance to stand up, I grabbed the ball and retreated six spaces back towards my own End Zone. Torgg knocked down the Snow Troll but failed to injure him. Again. Helmut Wolf hacked into one of Dean's players with his chainsaw (!), knocking him out of the game and causing a permanent Niggling Injury!
Dean's Turn One
Dean used his superior numbers to swarm my defenders. Sakarias the Snow Troll passed his "Wild Animal" roll and Blitzed Helmut Wolf, knocking him into the dirt and Stunning him! Dean followed this up with a Foul attempt but could only muster a K.O.
My Turn Two
Most of my downed team stood back up. The Ogre's "Bone Head" roll worked and he slowly got to his feet! A hit attempt with Morg resulted in yet another lame-ass Push! I dumped the ball off to my Blitzer, advanced seven spaces and then tried my best to set up a rudimentary cage.
Dean's Turn Two
On his very first hit Dean rolled Double Skulls! He then vainly spent a Re-Roll and got the exact same result! And just like that, his turn was over!
My Turn Three
Suddenly blessed by a surplus of rushers, I dispatched them across the board to tie up Dean's defenders. Lineman Slayde Darkwell leveled a successful one-die Blitz and then moved to protect the ball carrier. Speak of the devil, I decided to be conservative and keep him near a cluster of mates. Another Lineman made a successful "Go For It" roll and joined the cage. A two-die Block knocked out another target. Morg then pitched one of Dean's minions next to my Ogre who turned his lights out with a "Mighty Blow".
Dean's Turn Three
Dean tried his best to infiltrate my rudimentary cage. Initially he rolled two dice by mistake (getting a double Push result) and I foolishly let him re-roll a single die, which ended up being a hit! Dean successfully Dodged Boe the 5-Agility Blitzer out of a shit-storm of tackle zones and then "Went For It" once in order to interdict my advance. Another downed Blitzer used "Jump Up" to reach the ball. He managed to Dodge through the crowd, failing at first but then succeeding on the Re-Roll. Unfortunately he flubbed the pick-up attempt and the ball scattered towards me.
My Turn Four
One of my felled Blitzers got to his feet, bowled over an opponent (Stunning him) and then kept on truckin' to preside over a ball recovery attempt. Another player tried to gather up the ball but failed, even on the subsequent Re-Roll. It bounced right off of the prostrate form of Dean's player and then settled on the ground directly in front of my rusher!
Dean's Turn Four
Dean laid out one of my players but couldn't break his armor. He tried to fetch the ball by Dodging into the scrum, but failed on the initial 3+ toss as well as the Re-Roll. "Oh Jesus!" I screamed as Dean mimed throwing his solid jade d6 at my head.
My Turn Five
Blitzer Gideon Fletcher picked up the ball and proceeded to haul ass seven spaces. Slayde Darkwell and another Lineman kept pace to flank him. My Thrower Collwyn of Cressida wisely decided to cover two of Dean's prone players. Torgg avoided his "Bone Head" label and plowed the Snow Troll in the mush after using a Re-Roll. Morg went after Cato the Catcher but they just chest-bumped one another.
Dean's Turn Five
Sakarias the Snow Troll got to his furry feet. Dean's Blitzer "Jumped Up", did a shuck and jive through a gauntlet of tackle zones and then attempted a two-die uphill Blitz on the ball carrier. He rolled a Skull on the first toss and "Both Down" on the Re-Roll, which was nullified by Block. He then performed a few afterthought hits, initially Stunning one of my players. But after rolling yet another ineffectual result, he suddenly realized he'd been using my tiny red die by mistake. "Where did I get that piece of shit!?" he exclaimed. He followed this up with a desperate one-die block, promptly rolled a Skull and was subsequently Knocked The Fuck Out.
My Turn Six
My Blitzer Pushed Dean's lone defender out of contention and Gideon Fletcher punched the ball in for my second Touchdown!
***
Both of my K.O'ed players (including pricey Helmut Wolf) decided to keep surfin' the pine. This was balanced somewhat when only one of Dean's three Knocked Out peeps crawled back onto the pitch. Dean immediately positioned his team up for a classic Flood.
Dean's Turn Six
I made a fantastic boot deep into Dean's end zone (?), rolling an 8 for direction and a 4 for range. Thanks to "Kick Return" Dean's Thrower Balsar moved two spaces, got under the ball, caught it, rushed back up field and successfully biffed it for his third completion of the game! After clearing some space with a few well-placed Pushes, one of his Blitzers "Went For It" once and leveled a two-die Blitz that ended up in a Push. The Snow Troll then tried a two-die uphill Block on my Ogre but one of the results was a Skull. Needless to say, I was all over that like Oprah on a baked ham.
My Turn Seven
I managed to "Go For It" once and put a tackle zone on Dean's drive. Torgg finally failed his "Bone Head" roll. One of my Blitzers "Went For It" twice to put the smacketh down on Dean's ball carrier with a one-die Blitz. On a roll of "5" the ball bounced out to an optimal spot. I burned a re-roll to Dodge out a Lineman and move him four spaces but I boggled the pick-up. The ball scattered four times (!) before settling in a free space.
Dean's Turn Seven
Dean's minions started with a flurry of hits, but he could only scare up a pair of Pushes and a single Knockdown. One of his Lineman then decided to do a face plant while "Going For It" in an effort to snag the ball.
My Turn Eight
My initial hits included two ineffectual Pushes and a Morg-induced Stun. Collwyn of Cressida moved three spaces, used his Sure Hands to gather up the ball, Dodged away from the heat on a 3+ roll and then moved three more spaces.
Dean's Turn Eight
Dean, realizing that there's no chance for a one-turn score, decided to concede the game.
Final Score
Galadrian Guardians 2 Aesgoth Hammers 0
***
MVP/Level Ups Award
Blitzer Gideon Fletcher snagged my MVP award. Coupled with the T.D. he scored eight Star Player points and gained a level! Lineman Slayde Darkwell earned two points for a Touchdown, bringing him to six Star Player points and a new level! Lineman Gailen Huntsman collected two Casualty points, taking him to a total of three. Thrower Colwyn of Cressida garnered one point for a Completion, taking him to four Star Player Points in total.
I ended up rolling two Regular Skills, so I gave Block to Slayde and Mighty Blow to "Mad" Martigan.
Lanttu the Lineman scored the MVP nod for Dean but no one on his team leveled up.
Winnings
I got 10,000 for the win and then rolled 40,000 for a total of 50,000 gold pieces! Dean got 10,000 for his Fame and diced up a four as well, for a total of 50,000. Spiraling Expenses dropped this to a final total of 30,000.
Fan Factor
I beat my current Fan Factor so it went up to 3. Dean's dropped to 9.
***
Post-Game Commentary
Me: "I can credit luck exclusively for that (win): my really, really good luck and you're exceptionally shitty luck."
Dean: "Yeah, there was, what? once or twice that you missed a roll that you needed. And I don't think I made one that I needed."
Me: "And it was never disastrous, it was never at a time when, y'know, (it really hurt me)."
Dean: "And I made nothing but disastrous rolls."
Indeed, people who abhor the concept of Luck playing a significant factor in a board game would be well-advised to steer clear of Blood Bowl. Having said that, a skilled player will almost always destroy a total noob.
Honestly, if you dig chess-like tactics, team management, player advancement, tense decision-making and a brilliant time-progression mechanic all with a thematically-relevant fantasy overlay, then hunt down a copy of this game.
Blood Bowl scores five pips out of six!
Honestly, if you dig chess-like tactics, team management, player advancement, tense decision-making and a brilliant time-progression mechanic all with a thematically-relevant fantasy overlay, then hunt down a copy of this game.
Blood Bowl scores five pips out of six!
P.S. Here's an even better Blood Bowl training tool then the Java client...
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